Daycare

     This week has been the hardest week I have had in a long time.  And it is safe to say that I have had some emotional roller coaster weeks in my life, but putting the love of my life in daycare for the first time is like none other.  Talk about gut wrenching and soul sucking. I want to cry everyday. I can feel the panic and anxiety creeping in. I think I need a prescription for Xanax haha. 

     Why am I so emotionally distrought over this situation you ask? Well, I am part of a culture that basically looks at daycare as the bottom of the food chain. So, naturally I have always thought of it as such. I mean I minored in Family Studies at BYU and I was told a million times that being at home with your children is the most important place a woman can be. And I agree but all things in proportion. There really is only so many times you can hear in church that a woman gave up this amazing carrer to be a full time mommy and not start to feel like the scum of the earth because your child is in daycare while you finish school. Don't they understand that my heart longs to be at home with my baby reading books, playing peek-a-boo, or just snuggling and watching Elmo.  But what do I say when she asks about when I was a kid what I wanted to be when I grew up? How can I tell her to never give up on her dreams if I gave up on mine? And what about if I know that no matter what happens in life it is my responsibility to ensure that there is food in her mouth and a roof over her head?  An then what happens if one day, heaven forbid, something awful happens to Daddy and it is only me and her? What happens then? 

     As you can see I am in a constant battle with myself.  My heart belongs to Ellie and wants to be with her every second of everyday.  But my brain knows I have to finish what I started and show her that you can do anything you put your mind to.  How do I find balance between the two? Is it ok for a Mormon mom to work? Will you be judged by others for putting your child in the dreaded "daycare"? Or will you just be pitied for doing so? Maybe I'm just self concious because I feel so guilty?

  I know that this is only temporary and that come April she will be daycare free, but there has to be a way to find balance in this all. I think I just need to give myself permission to finish school and be a mom at the same time.  I never planned on having a baby before I was done with school. In fact, this is entirely the reason that I didn't go to medical school in the first place. And yet, here I am, baby in one arm books in the other, trying to walk across the tight rope of life.  Hold on tight because sometimes it can be a bumpy ride.