Dear Ellie

Dear Ellie,

   Thank you for today.  Today you reminded me that motherhood is the greatest gift that could ever be given.  I just look at you and I see perfection.  I hope you can see that when you grow. I hope you can see that inner beauty that you have been blessed with.  I am so blessed to be your mother.
     I thought today how important mothers are.  As I watched you cry in your jumper, while I was trying to clean up the house, my heart broke. Your little face was red with tears rolling down and those little arms reaching up for me, desperately wanting me to hold you. I picked you up and your sweet face just tucked into my chest and all of a sudden everything in the world was right again. Mothers are so important. I love my own mother so much and if I am ever half the mother she is you will be a lucky girl.
     As I continued to ponder the role of motherhood, I thought about myself and how I was made for you.  Not physically of course (even though I know my arms and chest are so fun for you to suck on and you love cuddling with me in bed), but figuratively.  I have experienced so much in my life and I have so many stories to tell you one day.  I've seen the world.  I have truly loved another human being. I've had my heartbroken by that same human being (and others), more than twice.  I've been blissfully happy. I've cried myself to sleep. I've been scared out of my mind. I've been courageous and strong.  I've hurt people.  I've been hurt. I've felt like I was crazy. I've been told by others that I am crazy.  I've dreamed big. I've achieved many of my dreams (others I'm still working on) What I am trying to say is that I have lived my story.  I am still living my story, but everyday that I live I am molded to be a better mom for you. You are my everything.
     Sometimes I think about the person I was before you happened to me.  I loved politics and painting.  I bought a new outfit at least once a week.  I was always right and had to make sure everyone knew how smart I was.  I loved keeping up with the kardashians (ok I still love them but don't tell daddy lol). I would stay up all night reading books and doing homework.  I was a strong self confident woman who knew who I was and where I was going. I can honestly say that I was a bit selfish.  Its funny how a little plus sign on a piece of plastic can completely change your entire life.
     I went running the other day and a song came on my ipod that I hadn't heard in a while.  I used to blast it and play it on repeat over and over when I was walking through BYU campus my last semester.  It gave me the strength to get through the day, as I was going through what I thought were the darkest days of my life.  It talks about you, and as I listened to that familiar song I couldn't help but get choked up while I watched you play with Mr. Giraffe in the stroller. It says:

So suddenly, so strong
My prejudice was gone
You needed me, I found my place
I'm different now, these days

Now the greatest reward
Is the light in your eyes
The sound of your voice
And the touch of your hand
You made me who I am

     You have beautiful eyes baby. More beautiful than I ever dreamed they would be. Your squeels and screams make me laugh and I honestly can't get enough of them. But I have to admit one of my favorite things about you is the way you grab my face in the morning to remind me that you are real, the way your head falls on my chest when you get tired, and those sweet angel kisses that you give me on my face. I wouldn't be the same without you.

      I honestly know that Heavenly Father has allowed me to go through what I have so that I could be right here with you. So that I can love you the way you deserve to be loved and teach you all the things that you deserve to know. I love you baby... to the moon and back.

Love,

Mommy