true confessions

So life has been more than crazy the past two and a half weeks. We are totally and completely in love with our beautiful daughter, but we are both exhausted.  I had one of my PA professors come up congradulate me and ask how I was doing. I replied with an honest "Im exhausted" and he commented "well weren't you exhausted before" implying that being a first year PA student is comparable to motherhood. I just laughed and told him, "I didn't know the meaning of exhaustion before Ellie was born".  Maybe its because I am a first time mom and a first year graduate student not only trying to keep my baby alive and healthy but learn enough medicine to keep other people alive and healthy as well. But I have taken on quite a task and there are days even I don't know how I do it. Basically our day starts out with a six am pump session, then getting ready for school, an eight am pump session, three hours at school, rush home for lunch and another pump session, another couple hours at school, rush home for another pump session (meanwhile the tank has eaten all the food I have previously pumped for her), try to get in some study time (but honestly when I have the choice to just sit on my bed and rub her back and feet instead of studying...I choose that everytime), make dinner, give Ellie a bath, feed her, change her diaper, pump more, fall asleep with my make up and clothes on, wake up by her little grunts every three hours to feed/change her, and wake up and do it all over again. I just got over a little cold and I swear the day i feel better Leon gets one ten times worse.  He does all the night time duties so I'm sure he isn't getting much sleep.  I got to school the other day and looked down at my shoes only to realize I was wearing them on the wrong feet. I don't think we have a piece of furniture that hasn't been urinated on. Leon has even been pooped on twice in the past two weeks. Its funny how bodily functions consume a parents mind. I am desperately wanting her to burp everytime she eats so she dosen't spit up and then when she is done i just wait for the sound that tells me its time to change that dipey.  Sleeping in doesn't exsist anymore and leon's ME time is pretty much a lost cause. I mean all the weight I put on for this little chicka is literally disappearing because I have to choose whether to eat, shower, or sleep. But those beautiful blue eyes and contagious smile make up for it all.  I still am trying to find the right balance of school and family time. I swear I think about quitting school everyday because I miss that little girl so much.  There is nothing like being a mom and I can only imagine how much crazier life is going to get but we are enjoying every minute with our amazing baby. She reminds us everyday why life is worth living and what truly is important. The sounds she makes and the way she smells when you breath her in makes me believe in everything good this world has to offer. I can't say this is easy and if you asked me if I would do it the same all over again i might be tempted to tell you no way...but I know I would be lying.